So Last October I read a post by DizzyBrunette3 - Link to Blog and I thought it was interesting and saved it but I didn't really think much more about it. Then last night I speaking to a good friend about the issues I have been feeling with my anxiety and funnily enough it came up that maybe I was having some sort of Quarter Life Crisis! I will be 25 soon and its funny but that is how I'm feeling. I'm going to try and explain it in the best way I can.
When I was younger I had no worries (well I had lots of worries but they were life worries that were external to me not about who I was. I was always very sure I knew who I was) I have been through a lot in my short life... you name I have probably had to deal with it in some shape or form but I always got through it which kind of made me feel invincible and strong. I never thought about my mortality and I wasn't afraid of dying as I felt at my age statistically it was more than likely either a long way down the road or an accident which would make it quick, something I control of plan for. And another thing was my future... it was so far away I didn't have to worry about it? It would all figure itself out and besides I had plenty of time to worry about it! I was so focus on surviving today I didn't think about tomorrow...
Suddenly It all changed! Life is good now and apart from anxiety I don't have much to worry about. I have good family, friends, job and a path a want to head down in life. I may be single and I'm not quite sure if I'm just scared to get in another one or I want to be single because feelings on that change daily but I do want to find myself before I find anyone else..... also I think when the time is right I will know. But in general life is good and this was the most confusing thing! why am I having panic attacks, scary thoughts and feelings when everything is finally all working out?? I should be happy...
I think now its just hitting me that I have a future and its getting closer to the present all the time! I'm realising my mortality and everything seems scary! I always had the self belief that I could do it all work hard, party hard, travel, have any career I wanted find the love of my life and it would all just happen! I feel like I'm finding the world for the first time and I'm suddenly confused about everything... my capabilities, my morals. I used to be quite black and white about the big things in life and suddenly everything's grey... I was confident in my abilities, I knew my flaws and I knew I wasn't perfect and had insecurities like everyone else but there was always someone worse off so I always I should lucky for and happy with what I got. Now I'm plagued with insecurities and what ifs.... what if I never fall in love ? What if I cant make the career I want? What if I cant get on a plane? What if I'm crazy? What if this gets worse? What If I lose control? What If I feel like this forever?
Its exhausting and hard to switch off. I am a person of logic and reason. Yes I am as ditzy, silly and crazy and the rest of them but when It comes to the big stuff I survive through logic and reason and I always got me though everything but when I got anxiety I searched for a reason and there seemed to be none. Most people from what I have researched develop anxiety from a traumatic incident and I have more than one I could share but I honestly don't think it was them unless its a straw that broke the camels back kind of dealy but now the way I'm feeling I think it has more to do with the fact that I am coming to a new chapter in my life and I feel totally unprepared!!
I do still believe the Universe has its mysterious ways and this is a chance to learn more about myself and share to hopeful help others but most days I just wish it would go away and I didnt have to deal with it all the the time. Its tiring being so anxious all the time and trying to be a "normal person". I just feel emotionally tired and scared and I dont even know what Im scared of!
Weirdly enough I it does make me feel better to know that this is a real thing and Its getting less likely that I am crazy. I hope this helped if anyone else out there is feeling this way. I'm actually nervous about posting this as believe it or not alot of people who know me personally will not know about this or even know I have anxiety... seems crazy but I'm not a big talker when it comes to my feelings so here it goes I suppose......
Just as a side note its snowing outside my window as I am writing this and thats pretty cool!
Thank You For Reading